I loaded some gear into my car this weekend – two main speakers, two monitors, guitars, etc., etc. – and filled it to the brim, so until it’s all out of there, no one’s getting in and out of my car but me. Yeah, maybe people could move around a few cables in the passenger seat, put them on the floor, and have enough space to sit uncomfortably for a bit while we get from A to B – but they won’t enjoy it, and when their necks start cramping up after, they’ll try their hardest not to do it again. Unfortunately, that’s the way it goes, fighting for space against a one-track mind. And, it doesn’t leave much room for permanence: people come and go, and we can both make the effort, but there’s only so much space in a car, in a heart, in a life.
With the prospect of heading to Nashville after I graduate, the obvious questions of money, success, and time come to mind. But, rather than those about what I may or may not become, the question, “What am I giving up?” stands as the most haunting.
I have to be selfish – it’s just the nature of the game. I have to put myself first because there’s no compromise with time. That’s why, in my last few months here at Clemson, I’m inclined to shrug off any possibility of permanence, whether it be with friends, lovers, and the like. I wouldn’t call it a fear so much as I would call it a premonition. Experience has taught me a bit about how I go about relationships – well, how I go about most things – and it’s nearly 100% tunnel vision. So, if that’s the case, it all comes down to priority, to which thing matters most because the other will inevitably be cast aside. And, I know you’re reading this saying, “Well, I think there’s still a chance,” or “Maybe you’re limiting yourself,” and I’ll agree. I absolutely am. But, the beauty about one-track minds is that they don’t notice many things beyond the number one – or things that could be there but aren’t because they’re so focused on the first.
Now, I’m not saying it’s good or bad: there are pros and cons to it for sure. But, I will say that when you’re pursuing a dream where you’re going to face tons of adversity, having some of the other things fade away is nice advantage. Like I said, I have to be selfish if I’m going to try this, but when you’re plate is full already, it’s tough to add anything new.
So, the gear’s loaded, the car’s full, and I’ll be gone in three months – not a ton of room left for anything else. Maybe once I get to Nashville, unload, and set my roots, I’ll have space for something – or someone – else, but the current forecast shows empty skies and an open road.