not right now

Some People Are Ready for It

Love to me is kind of like a blazing summer heat. When it’s cold, and you remember what it was like – or at night, when your bed seems just a little too big for one – that’s when love becomes this amazing thing to the have-nots. And, trust me: I’m a romantic. The idea of love is a beautiful, beautiful thing – I get wrapped up in it just as much as the next guy – but I think there’s a time and place for everything, and right now, I’m not sure if love is what I need.

To be honest, love could only hurt me – right now, in the midst of my infant steps into Nashville and my music career when the focus almost has to be solely on me. Through my experiences with love, the idea of it, and so on, I’ve found that I dive head-first – in some cases, crashing and burning, in others, losing a bit of myself in the process. I become dependent – caught up in the roses and red of it all – to where it inherently affects how I act, who I am, and ultimately, what I want to become. 

Let’s say I find it. Let’s say it falls right into my lap, and I can’t do anything about it. And, then let’s say that I have to make a decision between one love or another – the love of music or the love of her. Right now, sitting here and typing away about it, I could easily tell you my answer: of course, it’s music because it’s what I have always wanted to do, and I’m going to do it with or without her. But, ask me again when I’m actually head over heels – that’s a different circumstance with someone else involved in the mix, and who am I to speculate about how I’d answer? 

I guess all I’m saying is that love, in whatever form it comes, changes how we think – it brings another person whose dreams, aspirations, and lifestyle we have to take into account, whether they agree with ours or not. I guess all I’m saying is that I can’t afford to be asked that question for fear of how my answer might differ if I was deep into it. I guess all I’m saying is that I’m not ready for a love that changes things. I’m not ready to sacrifice something that I want for someone else, and there’s nothing more indicative of real love than sacrifice. Is that selfish or wrong? Or is it just the wrong time?

I’ve alluded to love – and my fear of it – in songs, previous blogs, in conversation, etc., etc., but it’s come up recently in my life, so I thought I’d put my contemplations into form because, as always, this blog probably does more for me than it does for any reader. This is where I am in my life: some people are ready for it – and it boggles my mind – but, as far as I can tell, I’m not. Who knows though? I don’t really have a choice about where and when Cupid plans to strike, and maybe, if it were to happen, it would all be for the better. But, as I write, and I’m able to reason with no influence but my own, I can’t say it’s what I want right now.